I’m sitting here weighing up the pros and cons of whether to continue with some anti-depressants I’ve just been prescribed.  I struggled for years and years without any medication, just the odd couple of counselling sessions, mainly because of the work I used to do and not wanting medication use going against me, but this month I finally gave in.  For some reason I’ve been feeling particularly down about my ex, possibly beginning to realise I’m kidding myself trying to imagine a future where we’re back together as a happy family but the thought of him being with someone else absolutely devastates me-yet it’s what I often dream about, probably because it plays on my mind a lot.

I was thinking whether to buy a bottle of wine tonight or to properly start the medication.  I took a pill last week (along with a lovely glass of red wine-and no I’m not a big drinker really and yes, I realise the two don’t mix), and had the most horrendous side effects just from one pill.  I was suddenly wide awake at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I had a horrendous upset tummy and hot sweats which made me paranoid about driving anywhere for any length of time, but on the plus side it also affected my appetite, as in, it became non existant (which is a very good thing-I’m not overweight, but I’m still not quite back to my slim, beautiful, pre-baby figure).  I think I might start tomorrow morning so I can at least have a good night’s sleep tonight.

The weather is lousy here, grey and drizzly, so right now I’m not sure I can be bothered to go and buy myself some wine.  Maybe I’ll start doing online grocery shopping again (something my ex never approved of), so I can have wine without the effort.  Although I very much love living where I am, surrounded by beautiful countryside, another huge downside to living here is that no one delivers take-aways as it’s too rural.  I’m absolutely gutted about this-I can no longer order my favourite curry delivered without the effort.  I’ve always been a rubbish cook, well not rubbish exactly, actually, I’m pretty good at making the few things that I can cook, it’s just that I have a very limited repertoire and a huge lack of organisational skills, so most of the time I probably wouldn’t have the right ingredients in to cook a lovely gourmet meal anyway, which is probably just as well for my waistline.

As for the medication-well I’ll start it tomorrow and see how it goes I guess.  The GP said it would take all the emotion out of my thinking and allow me to be more rational which can only be a good thing right?!

PS That image up there is an old pharmacy carboy-I very vaguely remember as a young child seeing them outside of chemists and being utterly fascinated by them, so thought I’d use one for this post!

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